Masochistic
by HPOwlLover24
Summary: He knew he was really good at digging his own grave - and that was saying something for him - but he just wanted to drown it in alcohol for one night.


The bar was quiet, filled with the regular patrons quietly drinking their sorrows away just like Kenny was. But it was worth it, today had been shit: helping the power couple move into their apartment, picking up his checks and dropping off money for all his bills, trying to get Cartman to understand he wasn't going to be a part of his latest schemes like the last hundred or so he hadn't been a part of, and avoiding South Park like the plague on the possible chance he'll see that one person he just can't see even if he missed his sister.

Four years. It's been four long years and he wasn't over it...wasn't over leaving the best thing in his life.

With all the shit he's been through since childhood, Kenny knew he had masochistic tendencies, but this was taking it to the next level. His thoughts for the past four years surrounded one person, someone he was convinced he was never going to be good for, no matter how hard he tried to clean up his act.

He played with his liquor sitting in front of him, not even remembering what he ordered. He could, however, remember that night, those beautiful hazel eyes that haunted his memories and blessed him when he was alone at night and the hurt he saw flashing in his nightmares. He remembered the short explanation he said, not really trying to get them to understand why Kenny had to leave; he was no good, a disease, he needed to become better for them.

Kenny sighed and downed the contents of his shot glass before calling for something stronger. If he didn't care so goddamn much, if he didn't love this person who probably hasn't thought of him once in the last four years, he wouldn't be here. He could be with his friends, partying or shooting the breeze, something someone his age should be doing. Instead, he was moping in a bar, wishing he could grow the balls to go look for them.

Maybe he should have called and-

Kenny grunted, stopping that train of thought before it could even leave the station. He had argued again and again why he shouldn't do that. Kenny was giving them the chance to move on, move on in case they actually wanted nothing to do with him after trying to make himself better for them. They had gone to college, Kenny wanted to let them experience it all without worrying or even thinking about Kenny.

His heart thumped painfully in his chest. Masochistic tendencies.

"Oh, c'mon fellas. Y'all go on ahead. I'll be there soon."

Kenny froze, his drink halfway to his mouth. He recognized that voice anywhere, memorized it after whispers of sweet nothings and declarations of love he will forever have engrained in his mind.

He didn't want to turn, didn't want to see them. Well, he did, but he didn't want _them_ to see _him_. He doubted it would be the happy reunion he dreamt of.

His breathing quickened as his mind raced and he wished he could light up in this stupid cheap ass bar; at least then he could hide behind the smoke.

Or maybe he should just go outside and light one? That's a good enough excuse to leave. He hadn't been able to drink away his sorrows like he originally planned, but fuck, this was probably worse.

Kenny downed his drink, throwing some bills on the bar as his other hand searched for his cigarettes. If he was lucky, he'd make it out before-

"Ken?"

Fuck.

He didn't have to answer, he could just walk away and wait until he had the balls to actually talk to them.

But he was masochistic.

Kenny turned around slowly, half hoping that they would disappear in the time that it took for him to turn and face them.

But they didn't and his heart stopped.

Butters looked as beautiful and breathtaking as they had been four years ago. A short flowing flowered skirt that ended at their knees and tailed a bit lower behind them, with an off the shoulder white blouse that complimented the pastel flowers on their skirt. The sight of their long, strong legs made Kenny's mouth dry and the simple white heels didn't help his imagination. Their blonde hair was style and straight and cropped slightly on one side of their head. He kept his gaze away from the red painted lips, refusing to give in so easily. And the rest of their makeup only accentuated their high cheekbones and bright eyes Kenny adored.

There was a physical ache in his chest when his eyes caught their questioning gaze and he could feel his knees getting weak. He gave them a small smile, "Hey, Leo."

At the utterance of their nickname only Kenny ever called them, Butters' eyes flashed with hurt and their red lips turned into a small frown. But, of course, there was no anger. And Kenny probably deserved a good punch or two. Or at least a kick from those heels.

Butters took a few steps towards Kenny, their arm half raised as if to grab his arm and check if he were real. "You're...you're here? Of all places…"

Butters slipped onto the barstool beside him without a bit of hesitation. Kenny could feel the warmth radiating from them and he wanted, more than anything, to reach out and grab them. These past four years have been hell on earth, and that's saying a lot since he's been to hell before.

"Yeah, of all places…" Kenny cleared his throat, returning his gaze to his empty glass so he could avoid any chance of giving into temptation. But this close, he could smell Butters' perfume, the same intoxicating smell they wore when they had been dating. "So uhm, how are you?"

"Oh," Butters whispered, as if not expecting Kenny to keep talking to them. "I've been okay, I guess?"

The uncertainty almost made Kenny laugh. So maybe they haven't changed too much.

"I...uhm."

The break in their voice made Kenny tense, ready to fight on instinct to protect them. He forced himself to relax as he turned to look at them. If it hadn't been for the fact that they had been dating for years, Kenny wouldn't be able to recognize the expression. Butters was going to cry.

He tapped the table with his fingertips beside Butters' resting hand. He wanted to take their hand and comfort them, but he didn't know if they would like that too much.

Butters let out a light laugh, "Sorry Ken, just...a lot happened after you left. Most of it was good. Some of it was bad."

"I...I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." And he was. His heart was breaking and he hated himself for leaving Butters at any time.

Butters turned and gave him a small smile. Kenny felt his heart threatening to burst out of his chest at the small lift of their lips. "This might sound bad, but...I'm kind of glad you did go. It made me do things for myself."

Kenny gave a weak smile in response, nodding his head in agreement. Ouch.

Butters blinked at him, "Oh jeez." They grabbed Kenny's hand before Kenny could react. "I didn't mean it like that Ken. I missed you a bunch. It was downright awful without you. And...and I wished a lot you _were_ there."

Kenny looked up at Butters, their eyes tender and focused solely on Kenny and Kenny believed them. He intertwined their fingers and it felt like something inside of him was clicking into place with Butters by his side. "I'm still sorry."

Butters nodded, "I get ya. And I accept but- uh." They stuttered a bit and dropped their eyes to their intertwined hands. "Can I ask you something Ken?"

"Anything, Leo. You know that."

The frown returned and Kenny wanted to reach forward and smooth the lines between their eyebrows. "Do I?" they murmured. Their other hand came up to wrap Kenny's hand between their own, entrapping it in a blanket of warmth. Their gaze slowly traveled back up to meet Kenny's and it was like a flashback to that night.

"Why'd you leave me?"

"I-" Kenny stopped and sighed. What does he say to something like that?

It didn't matter, Butters deserved more than the truth.

"I wasn't good for you Leo; I was...I am a _disease._ " Kenny dropped his eyes, studying Butters' short manicured nails. God, they looked so good. They were better off without him hanging around.

The thought was like a bullet to the heart- no, something worse. He knew that pain and that wasn't enough to describe it.

"I was the reason your parents and you always fought. You were going to give up Boulder for me because I didn't get in and couldn't follow you. I was going to be like a fucking leech. My family...my background...it shouldn't be a part of a pure life like yours. My fucking parents are still horrible pieces of shit and I'm barely getting by as it is. I feel like the only thing I did right beside give you a chance was getting off the hard shit. I've been clean for two years and haven't once thought of going back." Kenny sucked in a deep breath, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. "I can't give you all you should have, all you deserve, y'know? It sucks ass, but I figured you should have a chance at a decent life."

It was silent for a moment and Kenny couldn't breathe. All these years of the explanations and excuses he had been thinking of telling Butters, wasted. He should have known he wouldn't have been able to keep the truth from them. Especially as pathetic as he was.

"D'ya think, Ken, that you could probably stop trying to tell me what I want?"

Kenny's head snapped up and he could see what he had been expecting since he saw them this evening. The anger was there, under the surface, and his mouth was beginning to shape into that of a grimace. "Huh?"

"I'm so sick'n'tired of everyone from home thinkin' they can tell me what I need or what I have to have," they growled, their accent thickening in the way that only happened when they got angry. "What gives you the right to tell me that I shouldn't want you? Now it's one thing if you don't wanna be with me Ken, but a whole other thing for you to decide for _me_."

"I…" Kenny didn't expect that. At best, Butters would have accepted his apology and they would be friends. At worst, they would have laughed at him and left without ever looking back. But Kenny didn't know what to do with this.

Butters laughed bitterly, the sound foreign in Kenny's ears, his hands tightening around Kenny's. "This is why I left home, this is why I only go back to South Park t'see some people like Karen and Dougie. This is why I keep goin' home to see if _you're_ there too. M'gonna do what _I_ think is best for me."

"You left home?" Kenny asked weakly and nearly slapped himself. Of _all_ the fucking things to ask…

Butters froze, the grip on Kenny's hand lessening for a brief moment. "Yeah. They...they were real sore...still are I think. But they couldn't accept me. They were downright awful to me for a while." For a moment, Kenny thought they were going to cry. But, again, they surprised him and a small smile curled onto their lips. "I just kept on thinkin' about what you told me. How I was precious, kind...beautiful the way I was. And, well, it helped a lot."

Kenny cleared his throat, his stomach a jumbled mess of nerves. "Well, you are Leo. That's the truth."

They sighed, their anger easing a little, "Thanks, Ken."

He smiled, his eyes dropping back to their hands, noticing that Butters was absentmindedly playing with one of Kenny's fingers like they used to when they were dating.

It was strange how so much had changed yet it still felt the same.

A light windchime broke their silence and Butters glanced down at their phone before quickly silencing it, returning their hand back to Kenny's.

"Aren't you going to get that?"

"Nah, it's just my pals. They can wait."

Kenny's stomach twisted again.

"But, Ken, how are you?"

It was a loaded question, Kenny could hear it. Butters was too polite to ask rude things so straightforward. But, Butters had told him a lot of important things, why couldn't Kenny?

"Doing better. It was rough for a while. I was living on Stan's and Kyle's couch for a long while...I helped pay bills but mostly they just let me stay while I tried to get enough for my own place. And I did...but it was with some asshole roommate. When I moved out, I stole his bed." Kenny shrugged.

Butters giggled and Kenny allowed the sound to wash over him, in case he would only get this for tonight. "Awh, Ken, you shouldn't go around doin' that."

"He had it coming. Douche was always drunk and hitting on me or Kyle. Stan _really_ hated him."

Butters hummed, the ghost of their giggle still in their eyes and Kenny's lips turned up in a fond smile. "And now?"

"Now? I live in a shit studio apartment with a stolen bed and next to no furniture."

"By yourself?"

Kenny's head tilted in curiosity at Butters' question. "Yeah."

"You haven't-? With anyone?"

It clicked in Kenny's mind a second later, and he balked. How could he even think of that when he had willingly left the only person he wanted?

"No. I couldn't."

Butters took a deep breath, steeling themselves for Kenny's answer. "Why not?"

Kenny paused. He didn't know what to say. He wanted, more than anything, to tell them it was because of them, because he was in love with them and didn't want to even look at anyone else.

But he wasn't good enough for Butters, wasn't what they needed.

"Ken."

One of Butters' hands released their hold on Kenny's hand. Butters tucked their hands against their chest as their other hand grabbed Kenny's chin and gently turned his face until his gaze met their's. "Please."

Kenny breath stuttered, before he whispered, "Because of you."

"Oh, Ken…"

"But- but Leo I can't- I'm not good enough-"

Butters' fingers released Kenny's chin and traveled along his jawline until their hand rested against his cheek. The touches seemed feather light and Kenny leaned into their palm, his eyes squeezing shut. He missed this feeling.

"Please stop deciding for me Ken. I can make my own decisions."

Kenny didn't say anything, but his eyes shot open when he felt a light pressure against his forehead.

Butters was pressing their forehead against his, their breathing mingled between them.

Kenny could feel their rapid heartbeat under his hand where it was still tucked against their chest. He felt a spark of hope, did they really still want him the way he wanted them?

"C-can I…"

"Please," Butters breathed.

Kenny leaned forward, pressing his mouth against Butters' red lips. He nearly moaned, he missed this so much. He missed them.

Kenny's hand gripped their's tighter as his other hand rested on their waist. He could feel the material of the skirt under his fingers and the slide of lipstick against his lips.

Butters' hand moved into Kenny's hair, tangling their fingers there, holding him against their lips.

His head was swimming; he was surrounded by them, their perfume, their warmth. It had been so long since he was with them and it was becoming too much all at once.

Butters pulled back, their breathing ragged, "How about you show me that studio of yours, Ken?"

Kenny grinned widely. He wasn't nothing if not masochistic.

* * *

This was fun to write~! I hope y'all enjoyed it. I love Bunny and honestly should write more of them haha

Tumblr: jewish-daywalker*tumblr*com


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